13.11.11

repair in progress

seeing another specialist now, the psychologist i was referred to a while back. we're still in the initial review stage with one more appointment to go before she decides whether or not she'll treat me. with the way it's been so far - "We need to find the emotional source of this depression" - the odds of that look slim. but, if she doesn't see me, i think somebody else will; at any rate even if they don't it will mean more sessions with the actual psychiatrist, who is excellent.

having some trouble with University re. sleeping; missed a few classes, need to drop my extra and catch up with the others. have emailed a professor who ought to be able to help me there.

regarding pain, which has been pretty bad these last few months since the buprenorphine stopped working (Dr. D puts it down to tolerance, which i was told was impossible, but he knows more than i do) - i will be starting a new pain med on Wednesday this week. that's good, because this one will be stronger and not a crappy partial agonist (meaning i can dose up if necessary) and it will also not be filled with poison that makes it impossible to do anything else for pain. i cannot tell you all how glad i will be to get that shit out of my veins. i'll be free for the first time in a very long time. my blood has been converted into a trap for my mind and that trap is about to be dismantled, finally.

downside: five days of withdrawal to make sure it's safe by the time i start the new meds. i am a couple days in but as you all know it starts on the third really. this week is gonna be fun.

will be sure to let you know how everything is going so you can point and laugh etc. other stuff tomorrow depending on how shitty i feel.

L

13 comments:

Ian said...

It sounds great that you might be able to get better soon; we all still need you!

~Ian

Anonymous said...

Its good to hear from you again. I hope everything is going well for you and you are making progress on South Paw.

Naib said...

I hope the new meds are more effective and don't introduce any adverse side affects. Also hope the psychologist is a good match and is useful. Don't let the withdrawal get to you too much.

Uni takes a lot. All the best to you with that. I hope you can stabilize the sleep schedule to work out with classes.

Always looking forward to hearing the latest.

ThomasEgi said...

glad to hear you have a plan for improvement, even if it means temporary hard times. i hope you can get over those days.

got one of my magnetometers working yesterday. only a 2d one, they are rather useless around northern europe. but i had more than one of those and didn't want to fry the 3d one right away. making good sense of the numbers will be a bit tricky without a fpu. few lookup tables and some vector tricks should make it work,tho. will report back when i have the 3d one running with some power figures.
one good thing about those magnetometers, you can easily use the magnets in your fingers as interface. in case you want to turn it on or off.

hm,trying to post this text for the 4th time now...

Usul said...

Progress! Something we can all cheer for, I reckon! I can only hope that your psychologist will be able to help you. The downside of being intelligent (which you obviously are) is that you have entirely too much brain power at your disposal that you can use against yourself. Sometimes, I'm sure, ignorance would be bliss.

Still, best of luck with the process, keep that chin up and please keep communicating, at least you'll see that some people do give a shit :-)

poireau said...

good luck with youre work an with studies. I'm shure you're going to be fine soon :)

Jackthetripper said...

Withdrawal sucks ass, but if I squirmed my way through it so can you. Hell you're the one cutting yourself open all the time and sticking shit in there.

You're still my hero and I wish you nothing but the best of luck.

Anonymous said...

"We need to find the emotional source of this depression" you really have to wonder why we have freaks like this in a so called "modern" medical system. She totally excludeds the possibility of pathalogical issues etc. in one simple statement of ignorance.
I assume you have been keeping iodine levels up etc. Just that after your recent lack of food it could be good to get a full blood screen including thyroid levels and b12 etc...cheers

Anonymous said...

"We need to find the emotional source of this depression" you really have to wonder why we have freaks like this in a so called "modern" medical system. She totally excludeds the possibility of pathalogical issues etc. in one simple statement of ignorance.
I assume you have been keeping iodine levels up etc. Just that after your recent lack of food it could be good to get a full blood screen including thyroid levels and b12 etc...cheers

Anonymous said...

iron too...

Anonymous said...

Have a listen:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXd_jTw-1vI

Welcome to the amphetamine zoo.
Tryin' not to make headline news for a while.

--posted over VPN+TOR because of our lovely police state.

Anonymous said...

So how's the repair coming?

~t

Mitchell said...

Anonymous of 18 November criticizes Lepht's psychologist-designate for talking about "the emotional source of this depression": "She totally excludes the possibility of pathological issues etc. in one simple statement of ignorance."

For my part, I am always unnerved by the willingness of thoroughly modern people to legally drug themselves in order to deal with their problems. In particular, I think that many psychological disorders and pathologies have to do with a disconnection between what an individual's mind is telling them (about themselves, about reality), and what the culture around them is prepared to accept or even able to name.

So you could say I'm talking about a "cognitive" cause rather than an emotional cause, but then, these things are not separate. In my experience, emotions have cognitive content, which is another way of saying that they have factual causes, though one may not be equipped to verbalize these causes adequately. I am not dismissing the fact that diet, genetics, etc make a difference to a person's mood and the quality of their experience; the point is that there are often other factors at work, which could be ameliorated if only people were able to disentangle them.

Let me list a few. First, some people are subjectively different to others - I'm thinking primarily of qualities like intelligence, ability, sensitivity. People do not possess these qualities in equal degree, and I think it must be very common for someone who has some or all of these in exaggerated quantity, to not understand this, and to erroneously conclude that other people must be like them on the inside.

Second, there are, let's say, existential problems inherent to the human condition which you are not supposed to notice, or which you are at least not supposed to respond to, except in various ways which allow everyone else to get on with their lives undisturbed. Since this is a transhumanism-flavored blog, I will mention as a very simple example, aging and death. You are allowed to be distressed about these things, people will commiserate with your private unhappiness to a degree; but suggest that they ought to be opposed, or judge that human life is inherently flawed because they're part of the deal, and you cross red lines. Celia Green has written a lot about the psychology of this, and much of her analysis seems plausible: the prevailing attitude of acceptance and making the best of the situation, comes about because everyone has resigned themselves to the situation, and the agitation of people who aren't resigned is a source of discomfort to those who are; it reminds them that pain is pain, after much psychological maneuvering meant to make the pain tolerable. (At the same time, I also think Celia Green is an example of someone who started out on the wrong foot in life, by assuming that her own subjectivity was like that of others - that in particular they might feel the same capacity to change the human condition that she did - and so she interpreted the people around her in terms of whatever demoralized mental state she would need to be in, to exhibit the same level of apathy and listlessness.)

I don't say that all this is exactly how it works in very many cases. My real proposition is that there can be a logic to an individual's problems arising from the uniqueness of their nature and their situation, which also exacerbates the problems, on account of its uniqueness. It would require ingenuity and luck for a person with a one-of-a-kind problem to really figure out what was going on, as it was going on. Far more common to only understand things in retrospect.