9.5.13

broken

okay so i've seen all your comments more or less, but there's too many for me to adequately respond to right now including all the mentions and messages on Twitter, comments here on various posts, phone SMS and answerphone messages, emails etc. i haven't reaccessed the email box yet & to be honest i might just delete everything in it beyond the last month or so, so if you did send anything you desperately want me to see or you really need a reply to go ahead and resend it.

the situation is, my meat home is not faring too splendidly. a few months back my thyroid stopped working properly, and since it isn't the standard autoimmune problem (i have the problematic TSH levels but not the autoantibodies, if anyone cares) i'm not being treated for it. the GP i was seeing thought it was better to just leave it, and as you could probably have fucking guessed, that didn't turn out to be a great treatment. i'm carrying two and a half stones or so of extra weight and it's not pretty. i'm tracking calories as best i can, but on 2K/day i was still gaining and it's only stabilised on around 1500 or less now. that's fucking hard to stick to, although it helps that we're poor as fuck.

the poor as fuck is because i'm not currently getting any student allowance, on account of i've been too fucked up to do anything like either study or work. so i'm not possessed of any funds for experimentation, which is frustrating.

the rest is still there: i'm still anaemic as far as i know, my back's still fucked, i'm still taking 100mg of fucking methadone daily for it (which granted is free) and i'm still mad. officially the diagnosis is "BPD with cyclic treatment-resistant major depression and iatrogenic opiate dependence". (apparently that explains the two or three occasions on which i've heard weird songs that aren't playing in meatspace.) contrary to the general commenter opinion i am not in fact schizophrenic. i think someone made a video somewhere on YouTube or something, about how i'm a fucking nutjob and you shouldn't listen to me because i'm just telling you what the voices in my head tell me to, but alas, i've never had the sort of hallucination that tells you things. mine were only ever little odd tunes going round and round, with or without strange poetic lyrics.

as to the suggestion that maybe it's not auditory hallucinations and i'm actually a conduit for an unseen dimension of the world that most of us aren't aware of, well, that might be cooler but if it's true the hidden dimension pretty much just wants to sing songs about shadows and twiddle its thumbs. sorry.

so that's what i've been doing. absolutely bollocks all, more or less. i think if it were either purely physical problems, or just the mental stuff, i might have been able to deal with it better, but it's everything all at once. the mental capacity to deal with and ignore the pain got fouled up because of all the shit that goes on in my head, and anything in meatspace i might have turned to in order to escape or improve the psychological status goes out the window because of the pain and the loss of mobility involved, never mind the fact that going anywhere or doing anything tends to cost money. i've pretty much just been trying to sleep as much as i could, because pathetically enough, that was the only place that didn't hurt to be in. the downside of that is that in that sorry escapist state there's no room for communication, and in fact i had the general idea that it was better not to look at the email or blog and to keep the phone off because all the messages would be overwhelming. that's not strictly true but there are literally thousands of people wanting a heads up, and fifty or so who worry exceedingly within a few days of not getting one, so there is a fuckton to keep up with.

(that isn't to say that anyone trying to reach me worsened the sickness or did anything wrong, it's a flaw in my logic, so to speak, but it's so ingrained that combined with the fact that i don't like voice contact at the best of times, it just led to me totally shutting down in an attempt to escape it all.)

i think it's improving, slightly. after all i can speak now, right? i don't know. i don't wanna make any grandiose statements that it's all better. my blood family in England and my adopted big brother in Canada have been trying really hard to help, and for the first time my blood family now have all the details of my medical diagnoses. my mum came up here to see me and figure out what the fuck i was doing, then realised how fucked up i was, so with their support i'm currently planning to go down to England over the summer to maybe recuperate a little. there's animals there, dogs and little bantam chickens that sit in your hands and a cat, and there wouldn't be the same kinds of money problems, although i'd just be sponging off them which does bother me quite a lot. i also changed GPs to hopefully get a fresh look at my case and some decent treatment for the pain and thyroid problems, and i've had a formal care plan drawn up with the psychiatrist which is in draft right now. i feel like a broken cyborg that's just been discovered in the rubbish heap, dragged home and pulled up onto a bench for someone to take a look at. maybe they can fix me and get me running again, maybe i'm too damaged for that, i don't know. i've pretty much only just "woken up".

so if anyone else out there wants to help restore an obsolete piece of junk that might still have some use, i'm all ears over here on this workbench.

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

... start accepting Bitcoin donations - just setup a https://blockchain.info/wallet/ and post the receiving address - it seems you're on the periphery of the bitcoin community, which tends to be pro libertarians / cypherpunks /hackers.

Anonymous said...

I checked out your blog yesterday and thought 'oh well... guess this blog is dead'. Today my browser is still open, and what do I see? A new post :-).

Anyway. I love your style of writing. So I enjoy reading what you write. Also working on some fun bio-hacks. Dont want to blab much about them, because, probably, they wont work. But if they do, I'll let you know.

Anonymous said...

(same anonymous as before)

I have some thoughts on the whole body *and* mind is sick part. You know - how you say it might be easyer if it where only one thing which is sick. I'm holding back with them though, as they are a bit 'preachy' and sort of go against a lot of your general philosophy.

If you want me to go ahead, just tell me.

Max said...

Hey there. Really glad to see you're still with us.

Go spend the summer in England with your blood family. Don't think about experimentation. You don't owe us entertainment. Don't think about how much you owe them, or how you're just "sponging off them" anything like that. Just try to get better. Guilt tripping yourself will help nobody.

Oh, and reading hundreds of mails and comments that are filled with Bitcoin spam, weird marriage proposals or guilt-inducing concern shouldn't be your main priority either. My advice is look if there's anything important in there (mail from institutions you should answer/read), and throw the rest away.

Priority number one for me would be getting a grip on my life and getting my body and mind to stop doing weird things.

As always, take this with a grain of salt. This is a bossy comment from a stranger who knows almost nothing about your life reality, so feel free to ignore and/or delete the comment.

But do take care.
~Max

Unqualified to speak said...

What Max said, basically. ",)

Anonymous said...

I agree with Max - attend to all your self-preservation needs first and foremost.

And please as someone has already said, open donation channels. I and others would like to help you, and seeing as we don't want to intrude, financial aid is a good option.

kibrika said...

I'm with the "set up possible donation channels" people. Even if it doesn't turn out to help out much, a few extra coins will not hurt.

ghostinthecode said...

Glad to hear you're doing well!

I hope I speak for most in saying were selfless enough to enjoy these updates rather than you exhausting yourself with contact to each individual.

Definitely get some R&R, try and catch "Real Steel". Even broken cyborgs/robots are pretty awesome.

-gitc

Elwood said...

What Max said. Don't feel pressured to answer any questions.

Take care and have lots of sex, it's good for body and mind.

Director X said...

What Elwood said, but avoid positions like the pile driver, the arch, and the golden gate, as these might aggravate your back problems.

Seriously though, thanks for posting.

A bunch of us have been using tDCS devices. It can be used to relieve pain, but I can't vouch for this specific function since I've not tried that specific trode arrangement yet.

Usul said...

I'm glad you're breathing. I'll see what I can do about a care package, I'll be in your neck of the woods in a couple of weeks anyway. Max is right. You don't owe us anything. Do what makes you happy, and I hope you'll get well soon (how's that for a platitude..).

Take care, sib. You know where to find me.

Anonymous said...

You must discover the great health which comes from embracing your will to power unreservedly. You must know yourself to be one of the few specks of Will in the blind social universe you inhabit. You must live so as to become that posthuman being who will visit the Earth again 100 years from now, and remember.

Tasha said...

Don't worry about us; take care of you. We're here if you need to talk or to ask for help in any way.

Dan Campbell said...

Max's advice is sound. If you ever win the blasted lottery or get your finances in order, one of your relatives can ask for your help, and you can respond depending on your own threshold for privacy and gift-giving.

That sounds pretty good, being able to spend time with the family & animals. Might be just what you need.

Your broken cyber-person reminds me of Sylvester Stallone. Looks fine on camera, but busted up & patched in more places than our economy.

As far as the experimentation goes, that really depends on how much it adds to your life. You decide, for yourself, if it's worth messing with, right now.

Not surprising, about difficulty studing. Sh#t, even on my healthiest day, I have a hard time concentrating on something handed to me, as opposed to someone I'm exploring by choice.

Regarding your responses to messages, I think most of us understand if you're in a rut or can't spare the time to address our questions or concerns. As long as we have some kind of forum to tell you we wish the best for you, that suffices.

Speaking of responses, considering your state of body and mind, your clarifying blog post is actually written pretty well. It's in your own voice, and is pretty clear. Well done, Lepter.

Take care, Lep, we'll try to continue worrying, and continue trying to make you feel guilty. That's what we're here for.

Lock said...

I think it's safe to say that you have people here, in case you need help of any sort. Don't see the e-mails and texts as a burden, take it as a compliment, even if you can't read them!

Didn't you have a paypal account, what happended to that? Seems like you're in need of some support, and that there are people willing to give aswell.

Dan Campbell said...

What Lock said, about the PayPal account - he's right. If you can provide a link, a donation mechanism, some of us will donate, Lep.

melladh said...

So you're Gally :) She turns out pretty well, all things considered. Eventually.

Mattiew said...

Hi Lepht,

THYROIDE: I know that its hard to buy anything but junk made out of sugar (like bread, rice, pasta) when on a tight budget (trust me, I KNOW), so take the cheapest meat cut and avoid taking more than 100g of sugar a day.

The idea is to lower the insulin response caused by glucose.

In Canada, LIVER at some ethnic stores cost next to nothing (hopefully, same thing around you corner of dirt). You'll get plenty of minerals (IRON!!!!) and vitamins as well (a 115g of liver has more of 'em than 5 pounds of veggies).

DEPRESSION : Also, try to take some fish oil or some omega 3 pills (buy on sale), it will help a bit for the depression.

Canned sardines is your friend (got calcium and protein for cheap)and go easy on the coffee, it deplete magnesium in the brain (magnesium help to deal with stress).

Its the most practical help i can think from the top of my head, give it a shot. It helped me tons..

leon gregório said...

lepht, you get better for sure! and i agree with the paypal sugestion... i cant give you much, but ill give what i can.
you have followers everywhere, cheers from brazil.

fareunfanATeircomDOTnet said...

Do you know what dose of thyroxine you need to be on? I've got a host of endocrine issues (you name the glad, I can tell you how fucked it is) incl hypothyroidism. It can cause depression and weight gain as I'm sure you know. It's evil.
Anyway if you know what dose you need hit me up and I can try to sort you out some to tide you over.

demipoulpe said...

What's broken can always be fixed ... prompt recovery ‎Lepht‬ !

Anonymous said...

Lepht, please go to England; you'll actually get medical care.

As for bitcoin, if we could set something up for Lepht I know I'd donate. Perhaps it can help her get to england or something like that.

Anonymous said...

Oh I'm sorry- it. I was typing too quickly. Please excuse me.

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