14.2.14

pathetic whimpering

i did something pretty stupid today. i couldn't sleep last night, even with all this in my veins, and i just kept thinking of Muad-Dib. so at about 0400 i wrote a letter to him. the handwriting was so shitty he probably won't even recognise it, on account of my hands shake at the best of times and it gets worse when i'm stressed. i'm not even sure what i said.

i guess the heart of it is that i still love him. i cannot forget that. his loss poisons me every day that i am still without him, like something inside my chest is rotting away. i find myself thinking that if i can't be by his side again, it would have been far better if i had never met him at all. i had never loved anyone before him - i told a few boys and a few girls that i did, but it was always the kind of situation where you're forced to say it back because they just did and you don't want to upset them, then you sort of come to believe that liking them is the same thing... then i ran into Muad-Dib and everything was different. i'd do anything to be back with him. it's fucked up but if he asked me to stab my dog in the heart, and then i could come back to him, i'd seriously consider it. my loyal, faithful Staffie dog, the best dog in the world, that tries to comfort me when i wake up yelling at night and licks my face if i cry, that i could take for a walk on the main roads without a lead if i wanted to because she sits down at every curb and waits for me to tell her it's okay to cross, that never disobeys a command, the best friend i have in meatspace - and i would probably murder that poor dog if it would bring back the man i loved. i'd give up decades of my lifespan. i'd let myself get sent to an asylum. anything. even after all the shit.

i don't have a clue if he would forgive me for depending on him for so long. he probably remembers months and months of him working, me doing nothing, him bailing me out each time i bought too much food and pushed my bank account into the infrared again. i was a massive drain on his finances. and because of my depression, i was close to catatonic for a lot of the time, which must have looked a hell of a lot like pure brazen laziness. like just basking in the free time, not having to work, getting while the getting was good. i will always regret that.

of course because i had been writing and thinking of him, the dreams were even worse last night. every so often i have this cruel dream that i'm with him; usually there's some surreal conflict going on, like this time he was choosing a woman to marry from a list. i screamed and begged and pleaded with him, as i've never done in waking life. "Just marry me!" i shouted. and he agreed. i was so fucking happy. just like the other times, he came back to me and took me in his arms, and i actually felt him hugging me and his hands in my hair, and everything was gonna be okay again, and then i fucking woke up and it wasn't true and once again there i was sobbing at six in the morning like a fucking fool. i still sent the letter.

all i can do now is try not to wait for any reply. i can't get my hopes up, because if i do and nothing happens, or worse, he replies and tells me he's found a real woman who's beautiful and sexy and has a nice clear sunshiny fucking mind, it will be like hearing him leave me all over again.

this has come about as a result of all the promotion of Valentine's Day, of course. i suppose all the bitterness sank into my brain until it vomited. i doubt it was a good idea to send anything - tomorrow he will in all likelihood either get drunk with his mates, all of whom i also miss, and go to a club and pull some pretty girl, or if he has already replaced me, he will be writing her a poem and giving her roses. i will be alone in the house (my parents will be having a nice dinner somewhere) with the dog. i will probably raid my dad's stash of cider, get wasted, feed cake to my favourite hen Steve McQueen (she may as well have a nice dinner too), and hopefully fall asleep without any fucking dreams.

fuck. what a pathetic screed. believe me, i would love to be able to "get over it" as common sense suggests. other forms of repair are progressing: i have been assessed by a psychiatric nurse and referred to a consultant psychiatrist who is coming to my house in a few days to see how fucked up i am; i have a stable if expensive source of medication from a prescriber who does not believe i am a lying crackhead; i have seen an orthopaedic specialist who has decided that my spine, while it is too curved, is not bad enough to qualify as "deformed" and therefore does not require surgery. i also need to thank everyone who has sent anything, be it money or food or anything else - it really, really does help, so thank you. on Valentine's Day, all of you who are happily ensconced in loving couples, maybe think about not snogging and giggling in front of your fucked up single acquaintances. throw us a fucking bone here.

L

12 comments:

Derek said...

Hello Lepht,

I'm really glad to hear that lots of things are looking up and that the NHS is again working for you. I hope you continue to get that kind of trust and skilled attention. I hope sleep gets easier as well. Its great that you have a dog, what's her name and what does she look like?

Regrets suck more than just about anything else, and they have a really nasty habit of sticking around since they're always about the past. There is only so much you can do about it, and the bigger they are the the worse we end up beating ourselves up about it. My biggest recommendation is to make sure you have something else to focus on. Are you working on any projects, reading a book? GHMABGZ EBDX T INSSEX MH DXXI MAX FBGW UNLR :)

Have a good day, there's no real reason you shouldn't.

Feoa Winters said...

Miss you. If you wanna skype VDay lemmi know. I will be drinking Espresso Martinis (Google them, liquid awesome) instead of cider, and eating chocolate icing from the tub with a spoon - also alone.
Love you sis ~hugs~

Dan Campbell said...

Well, it definitely doesn't help to continue trying to connect. But most of us have been there, and understand.

Best advice, is what Derek said, about finding something else to do. Easier said, when the heart is still hurting so much it feels like it will crack open. But when you can find something - programming, singing, episodes of 24, whatever - where you can direct time & passion, it will definitely help.

Aside from that, it's a relief to hear that you are still around, Lepht. I was beginning to think that you collapsed in some way, or that you were gone.

The other encouraging news, is that you will be receiving psychiatric care. We know you're not 'nuts'; every time you write, it's clear that you have a good noggin, and common sense. But having a professional to talk to, can also make a big difference.

Good luck, Lepht. Even if you're not inclined to make the cyber-rounds and tell the world the details of your life, please just let us know that you're still breathing, from time to time.

Anonymous said...

obsession is not love

Anonymous said...

You know, sometimes I think that people aren't told they're awesome enough, and that leads them to think that they're not. So I want to say that I think you are a truly beautiful person inside. From what I've read and seen you are an exceptional person. And I still believe in you, cliche as that may be.

Unknown said...

From 20 minutes of reading this blog I get the impression that Muad-Dib is a prick and you'd be better off moving on. Your dog sounds the nicest out of the 3 of you.

7bc7d432-97d9-11e3-a3d4-000bcdcb8a73 said...

For me the key to dreamless sleeping is to masturbate right before bed. Tires you out and for some reason keeps me from dreaming. I've had one other person confirm the same results.

Anonymous said...

I feel like to help, if I am able to cause you are going to some really hard episodes of your life. You left that impression of yourself.

Well, in my past I had a lot of what you are going through with heartaches of "love" whatever that was.

The thing I did was excessive sport. I have tried to kill the meat but it kept adapting cause i left a chance to survive.

So I fought emotional pain with physical pain what actually was stupid but ironically helped a lot.

The next step I did was to get a crush which caused even more emotional stress and so it is also not advisable.

After that experiences I became very careful with relationships to humans.

What might help would be a computer game where you can shot and destroy stuff.

Unqualified said...

Good to hear the day-to-day bullshit is relatively ok. Look after yourself; we've got your back.

Mattiew said...

You might want to take a look into this :

http://www.longecity.org/forum/topic/51802-gpc-choline-uridine-dha/


Benefits reported for -
Uplifting and stabilising mood
Stress
OCD
Anxiety
Modulating / normalising dopamine release

Another benefit is normalization of sleep.

Considering what i've read about you in your posts over the years, it might help.

Sure, it cost money, but repairing/improving our/your brain is the greatest investment (short of clean eating and good sleep habits) we can do as human beings.

Dan Campbell said...

fyi, Lepht just posted a clarifying Twitter comment, reassuring us that she wouldn't actually murdalize her pet, just to get a former love interest, to like her again.

So if anyone has a dog they were going to sacrifice, in order to have one more loving session with someone who isn't right for you to begin with, follow Lepht's example, and remove the noose.


Really good to hear from you, Lepht.

Anonymous said...

Lepht

There are lots of lonely persons out there in the internet. You can raise serotonin and dopamine levels by finding a short time
in love feeling in the internet. Make sure to keep them in distance. It also includes the improvement of self esteem value. I did some experiments regarding that matter. Lots of nice people actually exist just be careful and don't risk to much and you will be fine. Lots of humans are willing to give positive "emotions".